February 18, 2011 23:05Confirmed! 3D Film Is All A Nazi Plot
The next time you go to the cinema, put on your tinted glasses, and pay a premium to sit through a new 3D movie, understand that you are only furthering a fascist agenda. And I don’t mean James Cameron’s bank account. No, you’re getting into bed with Hitler himself. The recent discovery that Nazi Germany was at the vanguard of Stereoscopic Cinema back in the 1930’s, a full generation before Hollywood took its first stab at shoving 3D down an audience’s throat, shows that the format has always had its roots in evil.
Like a fourth, fifth and sixth Reich, neo-Nazi minions in Tinseltown have been trying to resurrect this sinister final solution again and again and again. When the Nazis first tried it out, they were only trying to show their technological superiority in an Aryan Wunderbarland. When Hollywood studios picked up the ball and ran with it in the 1950s, they were trying to rally against the competition their movies were facing in the form of the exploding television market. Thirty years later, the early 1980s saw the arrival of polarized 3D, apparently in an effort to rally against good movies because Jaws 3D was the best release of that bunch and Jaws 3D sucks ass. Today we have the latest incarnation of 3D cinema as Hollywood rallies against film piracy. Because you can’t pirate 3D movies. Yet.
If it weren’t for the current piracy concerns, why else would Hollywood be releasing all these shot-in-3D movies and retrofitted-3D movies? It can’t be because the audience demands it. I haven’t met a single person who particularly enjoys the gimmicky effect, but I’ve met boatloads of people who can’t stand the format. I now actively avoid any movie released in 3D and wait for the mercifully 2D DVD or cable broadcast. Call me old fashioned, but I like my movies to have clear images, bright picture quality, and vibrant colours. If I want to see darkened images flying at me in muted colours, I’ll wait for a cloudy day and then walk into traffic wearing a beekeeper’s mask.
So whether the motivation for 3D releases is money, more money, or world-dominating genocide, remember that pure unadulterated evil intent is always at the core of this recycled trend. And when you go to the latest blockbuster 3D spectacle, you’re sitting in the same row as Hitler, Goebbels, Goering and Jesse James. You should be keeping better company.
The Nazi salute looks awesome in 3D.
February 02, 2011 18:40Nerds Of The World Unite!
The turmoil in Egypt has got me thinking -- when is our revolution going to happen? I’m not talking about the imminent collapse of the United States (although the clock is ticking on that one) or Canada finally ousting Harper’s minority government after five interminable years of douchebaggery (the clock can’t tick fast enough on that one). Rather, I’m referring to the long-overdue uprising of the geeks and nerds of the world. It’s time we unite, and not just with each other, but with all mankind. Because, at the end of the day, we are all nerds about something.
Who is more pathetic? The guy who’s seen every episode of every incarnation of Star Trek multiple times and owns all the DVDs, or the guy who can rattle off every obscure baseball statistic from memory? Trick question. They are equally pathetic. Just because one of the nerds is obsessed with a manly sport full of testosterone and steroids doesn’t make him any less of a nerd. Whether you’re prattling on about Nimoy Spock versus Quinto Spock or Mark McGuire versus Roger Maris, I’m going to be equally bored and longing for a nap so I don’t have to listen anymore.
It’s time we leave people who are a little too much into Star Trek, Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings alone, and stop giving a pass to Civil War reenactors, fashionistas and Super Bowl superfans. You know who you are. I don’t give a shit who designed your shoes, you hear me? Only you and your fellow shoe-fetish nerds care anything about that crap. The rest of us are happy to wear sneakers that didn’t cost us three hundred dollars because they just happened to be the exact shade of green that matches our purse and eyes. If you want to obsess about it with your fellow fetishists, go right ahead, but don’t for one second think you’re superior to your next door neighbour who went to last year’s San Diego Comic Con dressed as his favourite character from Babylon 5.
So whatever the subject of fixation, let’s collectively agree we all pick our own poison and forgive each other our personal areas of trivial expertise. Except when it comes to religion. People who geek out about that and take it way too seriously need to be ostracized from civilized society for the good of everyone. Perhaps we could put them in special camps. No, not death camps -- that’s too much like something religious zealots would do. I mean something more like their own Jesus Camps, only this would be Jesus Deprogramming Camps. Or Muhammad Deprogramming Camps. Or L. Ron Hubbard Deprogramming Camps. After a successful stay at one of these camps, the Christians and Muslims could downgrade their geekdom to simply being fantasy nerds (since they already believe in magic) and the Scientologists could go on fussing about science fiction like they always have, provided they agree to read something better than Hubbard’s dimestore bullshit. Maybe we can get them hooked on Asimov or Bradbury or something that does involve the galactic warlord Xenu -- the worst sci-fi villain since George Lucas showed us Darth Vader’s origin as an annoying kid who spends three films whining about school, girls, pimples and the fact that his mom got raped to death by sand people.
By the way, as a self-professed history nerd, could I ask the Egyptian revolution to pretty please leave the Museum of Egyptian Antiquities and its priceless treasures alone? The relics of King Tut’s tomb really don’t need a Molotov cocktail to complete the collection. But should you end up burning down such a major respository of world heritage, thanks, at least, for not doing it in the name of religion.