April 29, 2011 19:04I Donít
I wish I could say I got up early to watch the royal wedding, but the fact is I just never went to bed.
The highlight for me was watching what felt like twenty minutes of Prince William trying to cram a ring onto Kate Middleton’s fat commoner finger. That’s what happens when you marry someone of such low breeding. You just can’t fit your multi-million-dollar baubles onto extremities that have been calloused by years of toil in a coal mine, or a smithy, or a woad factory. When will the royals learn? They’re intrinsically better than us, and should only marry each other. Granted, he and Kate are 11th cousins, and no royal wedding would be complete without SOME in-breeding, but that simply isn’t close enough. The Ptolemys had it right. You need to marry your brother or sister. That way you get to hoard all the wealth and power and DNA. If you dole out your precious royal juices willy-nilly, you only end up with some ginger monstrosity like Prince Harry, who is only fit serve as party organizer, bon vivant, and cannon fodder for the armed forces.
I played network roulette for a while, trying to decide whose coverage was the least awful. CBC had Peter Mansbridge literally seeing people who weren’t even there (he’s getting a tad old, admitting he covered Chuck and Di’s wedding from the exact same spot thirty years earlier). CTV had out-of-synch sound and Tracy Ullman poking fun at Canadian accents (keep it sharp and edgy as always Tracy, that’s what it’s all aboot, eh?) And of course there was CNN with their go-to royalist, Richard Quest (the single worst parody of a Brit since Dick Van Dyke chim chim cher-eed his way through Mary Poppins). That was an automatic pass. I briefly considered switching to Fox, but I figured their coverage would be all about how Obama, the Marxist-Kenyan Socialist, destroyed the U.S. economy by not getting an invite.
Now that it’s mercifully over, I will spend my late-night/early-morning TV- time more productively. There are some damn intriguing test patterns airing in that time slot.
April 21, 2011 14:17Man-Whores!
Thanks, Yves Saint Laurent, for managing to make me hate Vincent Cassel, Darren Aronofsky, and Gaspar Noé all in one fell swoop. Although I take issue with everything about this new ad campaign hawking the “La Nuit de L’Homme” scent (who, exactly, wants to smell like Vincent Cassel anyway?), did they really have to go and taint the careers of these guys? I used to respect them. Now, not so much.
Of the three, Gaspar’s the only one I figure probably needs the money. His brand of filmmaking doesn’t exactly light up the box office. When I heard he did a commercial for Yves Saint Laurent, I was hoping for something along the lines of the last one I saw from him -- a PSA called Sodomites. If you haven’t seen or heard of that one, do yourself a favour, fire up a bittorrent, and enjoy the assault on your brain. But no, instead we get the usual black and white mimbo crap with a bunch of hot rich bitches pretending they sooooo want to jump Vincent Cassel’s bones even though he’s creepy as hell. And despite it being shot by Noé, it doesn’t even end with sodomy. Not even a little bit.
Still, for two minutes and fifteen seconds, there’s entertainment value to be had from the Aronofsky ad. Take a look and count how many times Cassel flashes the hot chicks a look that makes you want to take a shower or file a restraining order. Does once a frame for every second he’s on screen count? If so, I make it several thousand.
April 01, 2011 23:39So How Was Your Month?